In the most shocking Married at First Sight twist yet, Vanessa has married her father. Granted, he looked like Andy, he talked like Andy, and he was a great lump of good-natured oafishness like Andy. But any fool could see she was really getting hitched to her old man.
Back in Melbourne to see her father as the couples took an enforced leave of absence from each other, Vanessa ran through her issues with her soon-to-be-again-(maybe) husband.
"He's really introverted and I'm really extroverted" and a million other words spilled out of her mouth while her Pops, who bears a passing resemblance to Sigmund Freud, nodded his head sagely
"You're the same," she went on. "You're a man of few words. You just have no expression some times. Why?"
Vanessa talks things over with Sigmund. Er, her father.
In a cutaway interview, Sigmund offered his diagnosis. "Girls seem to seek out someone that is similar to their father," he said, stroking his beard and inviting the cameraman to lie on the couch.
Not that Andy was off the hook as far as parental psycho-sexual disorders are concerned. As his parents came to offer their thoughts on his intended, it was pretty clear where he'd learnt the habit of keeping shtum while in the presence of a loquacious and opinionated woman.
Mum Colleen noted that Vanessa had issues with his shyness "most probably because you couldn't get a word in". She observed that Vanessa "does like to hold the floor at times". She added that "she's a very domineering lady". Hmmm.
Andy conceded he's not exactly a powerhouse in the social stakes - "I can't be at 100 per cent all the time", he said, failing to note that even 30 per cent might be an ambitious target - which Mum painted as a positive.
"That's just your nature," she said. "You're a listener."
Mother Colleen rolls her eyes as father Terry says he thinks Vanessa is a catch.
Father Terry was all for the match, despite Colleen's theatrical eye rolls, and had some words of wisdom for his son.
"My advice to you, Andy, for a long-standing marriage - always have the last two words: 'Yes dear'." Tish-boom.
The only two words Andy was really interested in hearing from Vanessa were I and do. But boy, did she make him wait. She's such a master of the cliffhanger the script department at Home & Away ought to snap her up straight away.
On a wooden deck on a deserted Gold Coast beach, Andy told Vanessa all the reasons she was right for him, and then Vanessa told Andy all the reasons he was wrong for her - introvert, yada yada - before putting him out of his misery with the most welcome "however" he'd heard in his 30 years on this planet.
"However," she said, "I would like to stay in this relationship beyond the experiment."
There was never any doubt that's where Alene and Simon would end up, and from the second she walked into their rainforest rendezvous his desire to race her off to the second honeymoon shack was obvious.
"Come here. You look delicious," said Simon, licking his lips. Apparently, he's all along been mishearing his wife's name as "Praline".
He'll probably have to give all this up if he gets married.
She went first, noting that while they were at the (metaphorical) altar for a second time, this occasion was different "because at least now I know your name".
She wouldn't change a thing from the eight weeks of the experiment, she said. "And I want to stay with you and keep our relationship going further into the future."
If the producers had let him, Simon probably would have said "ditto" and stripped naked there and then.
"I have grown to truly care for you, and I can't imagine going back to my old life the way it was," he said, and since we've seen a few glimpses of that life we know how he feels. "You are the best wife I could have hoped for and with all my heart I hope to continue this relationship well into the future."
Alene and Simon say I do. Again.
And with that they raced off in search of connubial bliss.
So that's two down, with four renewal-of-vows ceremonies to come, presumably spread over two more nights.
You can't help wonder if that might be longer than some of these ersatz marriages will last.
The story Married at First Sight: Vanessa tortures Andy with 'however' first appeared on The Sydney Morning Herald.